I am about to get real with you. Like with Mauro Ranello situation, I can relate even more to Chester Bennington’s death. I can’t speak for him but I can speak about the situation and want to kill some misconceptions about people who are close to suicide. Now this post will probably be career suicide but I am not going to hold back at all.
For the past 15 years, at least, every day of my life I have thought about committing suicide. I am 31 years old, that is half of my life and professionals think that I have had depression since before I entered Kindergarten.
Every day, even my best days. This is not an exaggeration. This is a fact of my life that I have learned to deal with. No matter what medications I am on, no matter who I talk to, no matter what I am doing in life, the feeling is always there to varying levels. I am not someone in love with death either, in fact death scares me. That is probably the reason why I am still here to type this.
I can’t blame it on drugs either. If I die tomorrow, you can’t blame it on drugs. This is a common misconception that I am hearing with people. He was fine yesterday, he must be on drugs since he died. Now with most of the celebrities, they probably were, but if you are battling suicide drugs are not always a reason. My guess is that in most of the cases, drugs were being used to mask the feeling of wanting to commit suicide. The person taking them, possibly abusing them, probably had these feelings anyway. I am not going to defend drugs and drug abusers but if you want to blame drugs that is like blaming the car when the driver was the one steering it. Sure the airbags and safety systems in the car could have helped save the person, but it was the person driving who needed to be stopped.
Speaking for myself, my best days bring the worst of this feeling in me. I am hanging out with my best friends, having a great time and then boom in the car ride I think that I don’t deserve this. I convince myself that I said a million irrational thoughts telling myself that I did something to push these people away during our interaction. Then a magical thing happens because they are my friends and normal people, these people come back or text me saying that we had a good time and we don’t hang out enough after the interaction. Even with that, it is still a struggle and fight with myself.
Saying that you are there for the person only does so much. I have gone through so many stages of this so I will cover them base by base.
– Some times I would take the person up on the advice and they would not be able to handle what I poured on them. I have lost numerous people in my life this way. These people probably meant well but they had their own problems and they couldn’t handle mine so they created a situation where I felt worse about myself when they reacted to me. In some cases, these people told everyone about my problems and reinforced the stigma that people with mental health issues face. In defense of some of these people, they genuinely don’t understand mental health issues, and react with brisk coldness. Mental health issues needs to be educated.
I will admit this. I have been on this side of the fence before. I have offered others help thinking that I could help them because I went through some similar things. Well mental health issues vary. When I encountered their issues, I found myself shunning them and using my situation as a comparable when it wasn’t. I would say to others “you think that I am crazy, what until you hear what ______________ said. I am normal right?”
Now there is a stage in between here that I have seen many do. They would know that others couldn’t handle their issues so they tell them everything in an effort to break the person and scare them away. It is almost a form of taking control of a situation that you know will be bad so you might as well control the crash.
– For a while, this caused me to resent anyone who everyone who offered help. I felt like “Ya, you don’t mean it. You are saying this so others can hear what you are saying but don’t mean it. Go fuck yourself.” I still feel this with some people but truthfully it is mainly in a work environment, where I don’t feel one should wear their heart on their sleeve. Now this is hard sometimes but if you lived with it long enough, you learn to manage.
Back to the people who offer help. To so many people suffering this feels like an empty gesture. It is good old American politeness at work. You mean well but do you mean what you said?
– Now I am at the stage where I leave bits and pieces to feel people out; if I feel them out at all. I am talking 95% don’t even make it to the feeling out stage on purpose. This is just maturity in the battle of someone battling mental health issues. Those that do, it is only because I will probably hang around with them more than once. Sometimes though, I just can’t hide it. I can’t pretend to carry myself like I am happy because I never am. It is a miracle that I can carry myself at all, even though I wish that I could happy all the time.
Some bits can be huge like this one; this is 1/4 of my story and way more than I share. In fact only a few people close to me know how often I think about suicide. I worry that I wouldn’t be able to do things that I love and do things that enable me to not think about what is going on in my head. You know things like coaching, working a full-time job, having a social life, being around people.
– Now I am at the point where I only talk about my issues with a select few. In my mind, it is a miracle that they have stayed around. These are the true friends though.
So you can post the suicide help line. You can say that you will be there for people suffering. That is a nice gesture but it is a selfish and usually meaningless gesture to someone suffering. What you probably should do is shake the person suffering and say let me hear you. Say “I know you want me to think that you are okay, but I know you are not. It is okay to talk to me.” Even then it might take a while for it to sink in with the person. I know thst I gsve a lot of what you shouldn’t dp but here is the best thing that you can do is be a good person. Say what you mean to the person suffering. The people suffering have been strong, and carry the weight of the world everyday. Don’t think any less of them when they break. That is the worst thing that you can do.
Dear Uncle Rick,
Your fans know you as Rich, your wife as Richard, my mom as Rick or pain in the ass. I know that we weren’t close but I was closer to you than I was any of my many aunts and uncles. Perhaps it is because we are both six and a half feet. Perhaps it is because we are critical thinkers. Who am I kidding? It is because my mom thought the world of you and only said good things about you. We had a lot more in common that you realized. In reality we were closer than either of us gave credit for. Like a true Buckler, you were humble. You probably didn’t think our email exchanges meant that much to me, and I probably didn’t think our email exchanges meant much to you. We both know the truth and I am sure that we each held each other closer to our hearts than we realized.
I was proud that you were my Uncle. I love my family but it is not easy to be open about it. It’s not like it comes up in conversation how one’s mom or uncle is cool. Comics gave me that opening to brag about family when I wish I could talk about them constantly. “Oh you liked the Fantastic Four movie, did you read the comic? Oh by the way, my Uncle worked on it.” You came up in conversation at least once a week. I am sure people around me are sick of me bragging about my Uncle Rick.
You had a hand in so many great comics that it is crazy. I don’t even need to go to your Wikipedia page to rattle them off and I have never been a comic person. Off the top of my head, Fantastic Four, Black Panther, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Eerie/Creepy with my dad, and everyone’s favorite: Deathlok. That is just what I can rattle off the top of my head without checking. You worked with the greats: Ditko, Sinnot, and you were mentored by Jack Kirby. Your peers were all times greats because you were an all time great. My personal favorite thing about you is that your art was turned into a stamp by the United States Postal Service. It is so easy to get 15 minutes of fame this day and age but your 15 minutes are an infinity because your legacy cannot be ignored.
My favorite memories with anyone, were going to San Diego Comic Con when you were there and we would hang out together. I know how much you were suffering the past few months and it pained me. Every time the phone would ring from New York, my heart would drop because it never got better. You said that you had good days but I know how strong you tried to stay for your family. I know that you didn’t want to be sick and would rather be drawing or at a convention than in bed. You are a fighter and while cancer may have won, I know that it rued the day that it ever messed with you because you gave it the fight of your life.
Even taking away all of your comic achievements I would still think the world of you. Your comic achievements just make it easier to bring up how awesome my family is.
You were the reason why my parents met for crying out loud.
We come from a great family full of great people. You were no exception. I mean you were the reason that my parents met.
Have fun in heaven Uncle Rick and buy Jack Kirby and my father a beer for me while you are up there. Meanwhile, here is to you: my great Uncle Rick.
Your favorite nephew
Kirk Hinrich’s expiring deal and candy
Chris Wilcox, Jermaine O’Neal, JaJuan Johnson annd Avery Bradely work.
Unfortunately it seems like an overpay for Boston. I wouldn’t trade Bradely and Johnson for Kaman.
Boris Diaw’s expiring deal and candy. They have a lot of young players that can fit in the Hornets plans. Plus the Cats have trade exceptions.
Unfortunately this makes no sense unless the Cats want to have edge in re-signing Kaman.
Not unless Chicago will use Boozer or Deng as currency, or the Hornets want a combination of Brewer and Watson. The Bulls are fine where they are and would be stupid to break the team up
Has some cap room, is suprisingly in the playoff chase and just might work. Multiple scenarios are in play here:
Varejao for Kaman if Cleveland thinks that is an upgrade and or wants to get out of his contract would work straight up, otherwise they would have to get creative. Cleveland may have the cap room but still needs to add 8 million in salary, which probably won’t be that hard. Varejao would also be easy to flip to a 3rd team.
I am sure that Detroit would love to have the expiring deal of Kaman, but it probably wont happen. The Hornets would have to want a bad contract or Stuckey when he becomes available and be willing to take on Jason Maxiell’s expiring deal.
Has the cap room but would probably only do it if Kaman came cheap. Another big is not what they need right now.
Humpries or Okur and candy. They want a big guy but his name isn’t Kaman.
Kaman would be a nice clog in the middle if Howard gets traded. Reddick and Nelson would work but would the Hornets even listen to that? You would have to get creative for anything else.
Only works if the Hornets would take Jose Calderon, otherwise a non option unless they will Barbosa and junk.
Miami, Milwaukee, NY, Philadelphia, Washington
Would have to wait for a buyout.
I like Atlanta’s chances. They are in the market for a big and have some pieces. After Atlanta it is a toss up. I would put Indiana, New Jersey, and Charlotte in the mix. Charlotte is a trade happy franchise and NJ has the contracts and you never know what they might do if they get shut out of the Howard sweepstakes. Toronto and Detroit could be very dark horse options.
Have the expiring deals but would have to give up a piece of their core(Kidd, Terry, Dirk, Odom) to make it work so it’s not happenining.
Monta Ellis is really the only big reasonable contract. He would be interesting going to the Hornets but would Stern approve it? They also have the big Kwame contract that they could pair with Brandon Rush and candy.
Think they would ever trade with the Hornets again? Hornets could want Scola and candy but that would require taking on salary that Stern might not approve.
Odom’s exception and Luke Walton who could retire would work. Of all the deals that make sense and the teams that would want Kaman, the Lakers make the most sense. They need a back up big and a big man rotation of Bynum, Gasol, and Kaman would be huge that no team could compete with.
Mayo and junk; I mean candy would work. Memphis probably can offer the most young players and Memphis has the need for a big guy. Another finals worthy big man rotation, just replace Bynum with the rotation of Gasol, Kaman, and Randolph.
Beasley and candy. Would Minnesota even be interested? I doubt it
Nash for Kaman is the only option. Ya right.
Camby for Kaman, ya right. Too redundant.
Have tons of cap room so they would only need to include a small piece in the deal. Kaman would make a good mentor for Cousins.
Would the Hornets want Devin Harris? Utah doesn’t really need another big but that doesn’t really matter because the point here would be to acquire an expiring deal for Harris.
Denver, Clippers, Oklahoma City, San Antonio
Not going to happen
The Lakers make the most sense here. Every other western team would have to get creative or break from the mold.
Captain Obvious says that Manning needs a new place to play. It would be a shame to see one of the greatest quarterbacks of this generation retire. He is still a player that people can get excited about.
Alex Smith is a free agent, so think about it. The 49ers have no reason to keep Smith with Kapernick in the fold, but they need a solid excuse to move on from him after this season. Manning would be the perfect excuse. He would bridge the gap to Kapernick, and keep the team in playoff contention. If Manning is half of the player that he used to be, that would probably be the equivalent of Smith. Not only that, everyone is in the fold already for a solid repeat of this season.
Why it won’t happen: Someone please give me an excuse because Alex Smith is just not a good enough excuse for me.
Here is a team with an underrated defense who seems to be in the playoff hunt, every other year. They play in a warm weather environment that Manning would be attracted to.
Why it won’t happen: They are Jacksonville. Blaine Gabbert’s development.
I tried to talk myself out of this but I just couldn’t find a good enough reason besides the weather; and lets face it, weather is not a good enough excuse. Buffalo showed us last season that they are a decent enough team that isn’t that far away. Fitzpatrick is good, but not as good as Manning.
Why it won’t happen: I believe that Fitzpatrick has a huge salary cap number.
Think about it. Of all the people in the world who can push Tebow to the sidelines, there are only a few names; none of which are available. Brady, Manning, Rogers, Brees, Romo, and all of the other elite quarterbacks. The Broncos are already a playoff team, with Manning they would be assured of being the elite of the league.
Why it won’t happen: Reality, Manning won’t want to play in cold weather.
If I was to bet that one team would throw money at him, it would be Washington. Sadly, they are Washington.
Why it won’t happen: Does anyone want to play for Dan Snyder? Lack of winning culture.
They need a quarterback, and live in a warm climate. Pennington thrived there with worse players
Why it won’t happen: perception that they are far away.
They need a quarterback, but they really should allot their resources elsewhere.
Why it won’t happen: Need a young quarterback, bad long term prospects for a quarterback who has two years left, cold weather climate for a quarterback with a achy body.
Too many excuses not too:
Minnesota, Arizona, New York Jets, Tennessee, Cleveland
Teams with established quarterbacks:
San Diego, Kansas City, Oakland, Philadelphia, New York Giants, Dallas, Green Bay, Detroit, Chicago, Tampa Bay, Carolina, Atlanta, New Orleans, St. Louis, New England, Houston, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Cincinnati