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PTSD and the reality of people coming out now against sexual abusers

For those that don’t know, I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. My PTSD is not from being in the military but from normal citizen’s actions; both male and female. I do not want to get into what happened to me. I will however get into why I am bringing this up and why Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is relevant.

Recently a bunch of people have been coming out against people with big names because of past transgressions. Most are in regards to sexual abuse that took place several years ago. These people are getting a lot of flack for coming out now instead of when it happened. I have many opinions on that but I am using this entry to show why the abuse is relevant in the survivors eyes even though it took place years ago. I hope to somehow get you to comprehend a little about why it matters and why the people coming out are not crazy.

Everyone copes with abuse in different ways.  One almost universal way of coping is internalizing it and dealing with it later. People also deal with it later for a variety of reasons. People try to forget it but it is still there. In the case of people coming right now, there is no doubt in my mind that people forgot about what happened until they heard something similar in the media that triggered a reaction. This happens to me numerous times. I can be listening to someone talking and a random side comment would trigger a memory, just because they said something that reminded me of the abuser. When this happens, it triggers memories and events that I didn’t think of for years. In one case I had a memory that was almost 25 years old unlocked, I am 32. So just because an event happened ages ago does not mean that it did not happen.

The great thing about all these people coming out is that for once the survivor of abuse feels like it is a little safer to come out. While the stigma is clearly still there, the blow is someone lessened – even though in my eyes it is not by much.

It is easy to be quick to criticize the people coming out now. I understand it. I almost criticized some of these people myself until I critically analyzed it. That is why I want to share this with you even though I keep my PTSD close to my vest. I hope that I gave you a glimpse into what these people went and are going through. While some are handling their abuse in a destructive way, please be respectful to them. We can’t judge what is real and what isn’t. We are not ones to say that the abuse does not happen. Yes it is a two way street and in a lot of times the alleged abuser is probably a good person, people do make mistakes. Some mistakes need to be paid for and we are going through a time where we are rewriting many wrongs. It will take a while to undo all of the cultural damage but we must work through it. We will be a better society for it.

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Article about my job search in my church newsletter

This following was published in my church newsletter. If my congregation wasn’t only 80 people, I probably would have never wrote it.
Joan asked me to write a little blurb on my job search. Asking me to do a little usually consists of me giving everything, so apologize in advance. I figured that I would write this because I can think of several other members of this church who are going through similar feelings on their job search.
I will be turning 32 this year. At 25, I saw my life going nowhere and committed to going to college full time. I liked being an aide and working with kids but found it was too hard to be a male with the ages I wanted to work with – ask me about it sometime, I will rattle off statistics that might surprise you. It took me almost 5 years to graduate with a degree in Communication studies. I figured it was nice and vague plus it ended up being an awesome major with classes I was passionate about like social justice.
After I graduated I enjoyed my life a little. After about six months I seriously started searching for jobs. Originally I started going for jobs I wanted desperately. I applied to a bunch of government offices because those were my dream jobs. I was still real with my expectations. I applied to a bunch of government jobs that had openings for recent graduates so I was willing to work from the bottom up. Thanks to being on disability I was hooked up with an amazing employment office. They told me (to do a) rigorous job assessment program and I learned that my personality suited government jobs perfectly and I wasn’t suited for manual labor and sales jobs. So for a second, I felt like I was on the right track.
After a full year had passed I started aiming at anything. I found that the jobs that were opened either did not suit my skills, like sales, or were companies hiring for a reason; those with high employee turnover. This led me to taking an interview for what was clearly a pyramid scheme – there is another story to ask me about one day.
During this time, I realized I was not alone. Many others are
struggling.
People don’t realize that looking for a job is a full time job. Here is a sample of what my average day is like:
8 am – wake up because I want to pretend I am an active member of society
9 am to 2 pm, sometimes later – consistently applying for jobs and looking
3 pm to 6 pm – doing online surveys that pay me next to nothing
after dinner – read
I never play games. I can’t rationalize playing video games when I could be doing other productive things. I didn’t even have Facebook on my phone until recently and that is only because I help do the church’s Facebook. All day feels like one major hustle and it will be until I find a job.

I simplified it a bit. I do surveys and search for jobs at the same time. I get tired of one thing and move on to another then switch back to it. For the purpose of the article, I broke it up into easily relatable chunks. I may or may not check ESPN and others sports news sites once every half hour. I have to be honest I am worn out from the surveys and need a break. Applying for jobs where my resume probably doesn’t even get looked at is pretty monotonous and tiring as well.
If you came across this and can help, my LinkedIn profile can be found at linkedin.com/in/danieladubay/

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Today’s Random Amazon Haul – 9/25/17

  1. Another spiralizer like from the last post; that post can be found here.
  2. 2-Two different face scrubs
  3. Nose hair trimmer
  4. Kitchen scissors
  5. Coffee grinder

Crap, this isn’t sounding so random when I write it down. The people that I live with get a kick out of it when these packages come.

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Fantasy Football Craziness

I had a really weird first week of the 2017 fantasy football season. I am in a league that has been pretty much the same people for the past 3 years. All local people and friends or friends of friends and new teams every year. I won the first year so clearly none of us are experts. For some reason it is a 3 WR league.

A lot of weirdness happens in fantasy football but this week felt like most bizarre week that I have ever had. I will go over the events in order.

  • Tampa Bay, my defense, has a sudden bye because of the hurricane. The free agent teams are a joke but I grab the Colts figuring at the very least they will win their game. LMFAO, Jared Goff played like Joe Montana for the first time in his life.
  • Odell Beckham Jr, my first pick is out.
  • 2 of my starting WRs go down with season ending injuries during their games. Goodbye Allen Robinson and Kevin White in a league where every half decent WR is taken.
  • Thanks in part to my opponent losing David Johnson, Yahoo gives me an 80% chance to win my matchup at the end of the night despite Tyler Eifert, Colts defense, and the injuries.
  • I need Adrian Peterson and Brandon McManus to put up 10 points to win. I basically have this game locked, right?
  • Peterson has 18 rush yards in his game. No problem, McManus just needs 3 field goals that aren’t extra points in his game. That doesn’t happen either.
  • After being favored by 80% to start the day, I lose.

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Right now I am in this weird post college graduation limbo. Finding a full-time job in this climate with a company that has any values feels impossible. I don’t have a paying job but I am busy with things that aren’t paying. This week, there were two kind of related situations where I realized the absurdity of our current economy. I have always been active in the community whether it is coaching, PTA, or church.
Until this past week, I didn’t realize that being an active member of board meetings was a true skill. Sure it is something great to put on a resume but let’s face it: things that look great on a resume and skills are two separate facets. These are meetings where we make decisions that affect a ton of people and can have a bigger impact than some realize, oh crap it sounds like I am being groomed for politics, ahhhhhh. Anyway information and decisions made in them is sensitive. Since we are making big decisions things that are said don’t need to be heard by everyone. For example I proposed the idea of becoming a Sunday school teacher at my church. This had to be talked about in a meeting. I figured it was something that would be discussed but if it was decided that they thought that I wouldn’t be a good fit, then I would never hear about it. If something negative is said about me in the meeting, I don’t want to know nor do I think it is important for me to know as it is the decision that matters. I don’t need to hear that …. said this about me and they think I will turn the kids into devil worshippers. All I need to hear is ‘we didn’t see a fit’ and we all shake hands afterward. It is civil, we both keep our respect for each other; and there is some if you are dealing with people with integrity like most people in these meetings have. So for the record, this did not happen. In fact, I will probably be a Sunday school teacher. My point is that I never realized that keeping the confidentially of these meetings was a skill. I think of it as ‘corporate tact.’ It wasn’t until someone’s actions showed me that it was a skill.
This leads me to my other point. There is a handful of people I know who are struggling in the world like I am. We sit in on these meetings, next to people making amazing money at their jobs and get paid for things that we have skills for. Community leadership brings various demographics together. Here is the thing though, lower tax brackets doesn’t translate to being the idiot of the meeting. There is one person I know who is working his butt off at two minimum wage jobs but is basically doing the work of a high-powered executive at these meetings. He, along with several other people who I know, are at times the smartest people in the room at these meetings. This actually gives me confidence that I can succeed in the world. I just need the door to not be slammed in my face or my resume to be looked at. These resume builders are making me stronger and giving me confidence in my skills; skills that I didn’t even know I had.
Here is the crazy thing, I love what I do. I will do this when I have a full-time job because doing good in community is the most important thing to me.

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Today’s Random Amazon Haul – 9/5/17

I get the most random stuff on Amazon. Sometimes it is because I want it, sometimes to review,sometimes for a gift, and sometimes just because. So inspired by the people I live with who get a kick at the random assortment of things that come in these packages. I will not give a reason for getting these things. Instead think of this as viewing into my junk drawer. You get it because you may need it for a second, whether for you or for someone else. I am a firm believer in less is more but for the most part I get these things because amazing deals fall into my lap and I would be an idiot to say pass them up. As a highly budget conscious person, I do not buy things without reason unless they are sports cards. So today’s haul:

1. Cast Iron Rotating Spiralizer Peeler for Countertop with Stainless Steel Blades
2. USB Charger. – okay not so random but together with the peeler made it random

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Praying

I have been told by people deep in members of three different congregations that there isn’t a wrong way to pray. I just wanted to take a second to share a little thing that I do when I pray. When I pray I don’t put my palms together. Instead I open my hands to show God that God is welcome to join me. This way my hands are open to God and inviting God. Sometimes I even move my fingers as if say please come join me. I guess I figure if I am praying to God, I better be welcoming.

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